


Where I sleep

by words_to_universes



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bullying, Drug Use, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mildly Dubious Consent, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Derek, Rape Recovery, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Sleeping Together, Sleepy Cuddles, Somnophilia, Watching Someone Sleep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-06 02:14:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13401303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/words_to_universes/pseuds/words_to_universes
Summary: Supervisory Special Agents Dr Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan have occasionally shared hotel rooms before, but never a bed. Though the one they are standing in front of right now is big, both men are less than enthusiastic. Each lost in his own thoughts, they stare at the bed with a mixture of resignation, tense nerves and quiet dismay. They would both be surprised if they knew what the other is thinking right now.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing, but the characters were too enticing not to play with ;-)
> 
> The title is a song title from Emeli Sandé.

***

Morgan wonders if Reid can sense just how nervous he is right now. The younger agent has a disconcerting knack for being extra perceptive at the most inopportune moments. Then again, his pretty boy is often so naive and clueless when it comes to sexual attraction that he could very well be blind to what Morgan fears is blatantly obvious by now. Which is that he has fallen for Reid. Hard. 

Ever since the younger man joined the team, Morgan has been fighting his ever growing crush on him. Reid's quirky genius and snarky wit, his innocence combined with his immense intellect, and his wonky sense of humor had won Morgan over long before he even realized it. Add to that Reid's handsome and expressive face, his slender body with just the right amount of muscle, that special brand of awkward yet weirdly graceful body language, the milky white skin that has Derek yearning to touch... 

Derek Morgan has never felt this way before. Sure, he's been attracted to quite a few people. He has had a lot of flirts and an impressive number of enjoyable sexual encounters. But he has never really felt a close connection to any of the men and women involved. It has always been purely physical attraction that led to those encounters, and by Morgan’s own choice almost all of them have been one-time things. 

Morgan's longest connection to anyone so far has been a casual twelve-week thing with a girl in college where conversation was almost nonexistent and they spent about ninety percent of their time together dancing or having sex. Fun with no strings attached, that has always been Morgan's approach. He has never felt compelled to enter a real relationship with an honest to god emotional connection. Because Derek Morgan does not trust easily, and he most certainly does not wear his heart on his sleeve. Not anymore. 

It has taken him years to overcome most of the damage caused by Carl Buford. Accepting his bisexuality was made so much harder by the fears and doubts his abuser had planted in his soul. Buford used his trust to hurt an innocent child. But Morgan refused to be destroyed by him, and he succeeded, for the most part. 

Morgan has fought for years, has struggled to regain control, and over time he has slowly managed to win back key parts of his life. He knows that he liked both boys and girls long before Buford started hurting him. He knows that Buford did not make him who he is today. He also knows that it wasn't his bisexuality that drew the man to him. What he knew and what he felt were not the same for a long time, though. And a grain of doubt still remains, a scar that won't let him trust others enough to allow real closeness or even contemplate a relationship.

Because relationships mean so much more than the sexual intimacy he has successfully reclaimed for himself. They are based on trust, and feeling safe. Relationships mean you can fall asleep next to someone and wake up next to them, without any fear. In the aftermath of the abuse, Derek has reconquered so much of his life, but not that. He struggles to feel safe enough to be able to fall asleep next to his lovers, and more than one attempt has led him to flee the bed after a harrowing flashback or nightmare. To avoid all that, Derek has learned not to share his bed.

But everything is different with Spencer Reid. Reid, who is so complex and weird, and at the same time so incredibly easy to read and to be around. Reid, who is honest and loyal to a fault. Reid, who is his best friend - apart from his baby-girl, Garcia, of course. Reid, who trusts him implicitly and looks up to him like a little brother would. Reid, who is so damn smart and yet so modest and innocent that it sometimes takes Morgan's breath away. Reid, who is often impossibly cute, sometimes infuriatingly stubborn and more and more often so breathtakingly hot. 

It has taken Morgan quite a while to admit to himself that he is attracted to Reid. It worries him how the thought or sight of Reid's elegant hands, pale pink lips or pale neck can cause him to lose his train of thought, can make him yearn to touch and taste. He's never had a kink for pale skin before, has always been attracted to people regardless of skin color or ethnicity. But everything is different with Reid. 

Reid's skin is not just pale, it is exquisite and beautiful and soft. His memories of the few times he had the chance to touch even the tiniest bits of Reid's bare skin have Morgan guessing that it is probably the softest he has ever encountered. 

And it is not just the softness of Reid's skin that makes him yearn to touch. Reid can blush with an intensity and variety that is unlike anyone else Morgan has ever encountered. Shame, irritation, excitement - they all dust his skin with a myriad different shades of rose and pink, depending on the type and intensity of the emotion, and Morgan cannot help but wonder what shade that perfect porcelain skin takes on when Reid gets aroused. 

Not that he would ever act on his yearnings. No, he sure as hell won't. There are several reasons why that would be a very bad idea. 

First of all, he doesn't often feel attracted to a guy, and if so tries to deal with that attraction as efficiently as with the far more frequent attraction to women he meets at clubs: flirt, have a one-night-stand if the interest is mutual, then make damn sure to never see them again. That kind of tactic would be impossible with Reid. 

Second, the real problem is that he is not just attracted to the younger man. He has developed real, frighteningly strong feelings for him. Apart from his family and Garcia, his sister from another mother, no one else in his life wakes his protective instincts as strongly as Reid does. 

And that's reason number three right there: he wants to protect his best friend from anything that could hurt him. And that definitely includes Morgan's sexual attraction to and strong emotions for him. He instinctively feels that it is wrong for him to want Reid, to lust after him the way he does. Morgan is sure that his sexual urges would harm two things that are immensely important to him: Reid's trust and their friendship. Reid is shy and inexperienced - and most probably straight, maybe even asexual. And Morgan knows Reid well enough to know that the younger man would suffer immensely if someone tried to use him for casual sex. 

And casual sex is all Morgan has to offer, right? Even after all these years, deeper emotional connections still scare him. No matter how long it has been, no matter how much he tries to fool himself, Morgan still feels his dark past tainting him. It causes him to see sex, especially gay sex, as merely carnal and physical, and as something potentially harmful and tainting. Tainting Reid or hurting him is the last thing Morgan would ever want to do. 

His urge to protect Reid has even caused him to protest occasionally when it was decided that they should share a room, whenever he felt he might slip up and reveal his feelings. Though he is aware that those reactions have hurt Reid, he firmly believes that it was for the best. He's certain that Reid would react badly if he ever found out that Morgan is interested in him. The revelation would open up a whole new world of scary situations for Reid, so Morgan knows he has to keep his feelings bottled up. 

Now he is faced with a severe problem: one bed to share with a seriously shy Reid, star of Morgan's wet dreams. While he craves close proximity and bodily contact where Reid is involved, he knows that Reid dreads both in general. And he would never willingly put Reid in a position he does not feel comfortable in, but the hotel leaves no other option but to share this room and this bed or freeze on the cold, hard floor. This is going to be difficult. 

***

Reid has been dreading that a moment like this would come. The thought of sharing a bed with Morgan is both terrifying and thrilling at the same time. Spending time in close proximity to others is not Reid's strongest suit. He needs personal space, and preferably a lot of it. While Morgan is the only person apart from his mother who can initiate bodily contact without making him flinch, Reid has a definite problem with sharing a bed with the other man. He is ashamed to admit it even to himself, but he cannot deny it any longer: he has been developing strong feelings for Morgan from the start, feelings he is unsure how to deal with. Reid is bad at dealing with emotions as it is, but these are unlike any he has ever had before. 

He has come to trust Morgan with his life, and is slowly coming to terms with the fact that Morgan trusts him, as well - as much as Morgan can trust, that is. Reid knows about Morgan's past and the reasons for his trust issues. He feels honored to have earned the other agent's trust and friendship and at the same time fears to lose both by doing something incredibly insensitive and dumb. Like showing his feelings for Morgan and letting him know that what started out as a mild case of hero worship and slowly turned into brotherly affection has by now morphed into a full-blown crush. 

Reid has never really had a crush before, what with his tendency to live in his own head, toying with theories and facts because those are often far more fascinating than people and could never stab him in the back. His prior lack of friends and the impressive number of bullies he has encountered throughout his life have taught him to guard his heart well. So well, in fact, that he never really dared contemplate sexual attraction to anyone. It probably says a lot about Reid that he read up on the subject in detail recently to verify that what he feels for Morgan is indeed a crush. 

He has always preferred to push aside any intense feelings - especially those that were even remotely sexual - and focus on something else. He had become good at suppressing these aspects of his being - until he met Derek Morgan, hottest and bravest and kindest and most charming man on this planet. Despite the fact that Reid is quite ignorant when it comes to flirting and romance, and does not have a single personal experience related to sex, and despite the fact that he knows full well that this kind of Morgan's attention is unattainable for him, he simply cannot stop his thoughts from dwelling on the impossible. What a predicament. 

And now the two of them will have to share a bed. He is very much aware of the fact that Morgan would prefer not to share a bed with him. In fact, he can recall in vivid detail every single time Morgan has protested having to share a room with him. It always hurt to see and hear Morgan's refusal to be near him, even remembering these situations does, but Reid has learned to accept this as part of Morgan's wall of self defense. 

The problem is that lately, his mind keeps acting up, telling him that Morgan might return his feelings. Though it can't be true, it is a beautiful lie that he would love to believe. And that's the scary, dangerous part: the beauty of these fantasies is apt to lure him into doing or saying something that could destroy their friendship forever. A friendship Reid values highly, and one he cannot imagine living without. 

Reid has always been shy, but this is downright terrifying. He has been having dreams about Morgan for a while now, inappropriate ones. What if he has such a dream tonight? What if Morgan notices his body's reactions? What if he talks in his sleep? Oh god. 

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing and I promise to play nice ;-)
> 
> Thanks so much for the comments and kudos, you guys! Here's the second part, I hope you like it!

Morgan frowns, trying to think of a way to relax the tense atmosphere. Reid has been skittish ever since they were informed that they would have to share a bed. Now that they are inside the room, alone in front of the bed, Reid is visibly shaken. He looks slightly paler than usual, and while he normally can't stop spouting random facts when nervous, he hasn't said anything at all for the past five minutes. 

Morgan is getting worried. Reid is definitely panicking, and it's all due to the fact of having to share a bed with Morgan. Not that Morgan takes this as an insult, but it sure is disconcerting to see his pretty boy so tense and nervous. There has to be a way to fix this. 

He swallows audibly, then suggests that Reid use the bathroom first, in the hopes that being in separate rooms for a few minutes will break the tension. Also, chances are that he would do or say something stupid right now if he witnessed Reid undressing in front of him. Like compliment him on his choice of pajamas, because those always look really comfy and also damn cute - and that thought is a definite sign that Morgan should not say anything at all for the rest of the night if he wants to avoid total embarrassment. 

Morgan loves to flirt. It comes naturally to him, easy as breathing. He is no longer ashamed of it. Another part of his life that he fought hard to regain after Buford. Directed at strangers, his flirting is little more than a sign of sexual attraction, confident and casual. Flirting with his female colleagues, Garcia chief among them, is far more playful and rooted in mutual friendship and trust, not sexual attraction. 

Flirting with Reid is different. A spark ignites just beneath Morgan’s skin whenever he calls Reid his pretty boy and earns a blush and a snarky reply in return. That ever-present spark continually threatens to turn innocent banter into something far more earnest, likely far too earnest for Reid. Flirting with Reid, especially when Reid snarks right back at him, feels far too good. The few occasions where Reid almost seemed to flirt back a little left Morgan embarrassingly flustered. 

And while Reid has by now learned to take Morgan’s compliments with little more than an endearing blush and a half-hearted glare, flirting right now would definitely be the wrong move. It would shed light on feelings Reid is not supposed to notice Morgan harbors for him. So there will be no compliments regarding Reid’s pajamas or the lithe body inside them, not tonight and probably not ever. 

Not that he's ever seen a lot of said body, anyway. Reid would never willingly undress in front of anyone, Morgan muses. No matter where, when, and with whom he shares accommodation, Reid will likely always opt to change into his pajamas in a separate room. Too bad really. But on the other hand, if he did and caught Morgan inevitably ogling him, he might just get the shock of a lifetime. Especially if he ever realized that Morgan gets achingly hard at the mere thought of Reid undressed. That would definitely not alleviate the tension between them. There is only so much you can explain away with stress and a glass of whiskey after dinner. The odd lingering stare, maybe. A hard-on and pervy compliments, no damn way.

Morgan strips down to his boxers and puts on a t-shirt, all the while trying his best not to imagine what Reid looks like right now as he puts on his pajamas. They always look so soft and comfy, must be a very nice feeling when that fabric slides over bare, soft, milky-white skin... Damn! Way to go cooling down, man. Get a fucking grip, Morgan! 

When Reid steps out of the bathroom, fresh out of the shower and still looking shy but also completely delectable in his light blue pajamas with dark blue stripes, Morgan takes his turn in the bathroom and then gets into bed next to his friend.  They both act like the whole sharing a bed thing is no big deal, but the atmosphere is still a little tense. Once both have settled down for the night, they say goodnight and turn off the light. 

It takes Morgan a long time to find sleep. Reid is restless beside him, tossing and turning but seemingly unable to find a comfortable sleeping position. Maybe that's because Reid is obviously trying his hardest not to cross the invisible line to Morgan's side of the bed, not even with a toe, and that takes some concentration. Finally, Reid's movements die down and Morgan listens to his breathing evening out. Good, they both need rest if they want to be alert at work tomorrow. 

Morgan's last, already sleep-addled thought is that he could really get used to the sound of Reid's peaceful breathing right next to him. It's kind of homely. 

***

Derek smiles as his dream gifts him with the marvelous feeling of holding Reid in his arms. His pretty boy is a lean, solid line of warmth along his front, their bodies molding together perfectly, and Derek’s nose is buried in the soft, silky hair at the nape of his neck. It tickles, but somehow he doesn't mind at all. Reid smells like soap and the "no tears" kids' shampoo he always uses, and there is also this unique underlying note that is purely Reid. Morgan inhales deeply. 

Intent on catching more of his pretty boy’s scent, he carefully angles his head so that the tip of his nose and his lips just barely touch the skin of Reid's long, elegant neck. Soft. So soft beneath his lips. Derek’s mouth moves slowly, reverently, dropping featherlight kisses along the delicate column of skin before him. 

The kisses slowly intensify and Derek finds himself parting his lips, the tip of his tongue darting out to taste Reid's skin. And there it is again, beneath faint traces of soap and kids' shampoo, a unique taste that Derek’s brain immediately identifies as Reid. 

Damn, so good! He instinctively moves his hips, grinding his erection against Reid's pert little ass with the movement, and his hands on Reid's hips tighten their grip. His pretty boy rewards him with a soft moan, his own body moving in time to the lazy grinding of Derek’s hips as though in invitation. Man, this is by far the nicest dream Derek has had in a long time! He would gladly spend the rest of his life in this bed with Reid so close and responsive and making those little moans that go straight to Derek’s cock.

„So good, baby boy!“, he hears himself sigh sleepily. His ears pick up the borderline annoying sound of a car alarm going off somewhere outside, but that’s inconsequential when all he needs is right here in his arms. 

The car alarm continues to blare.

...

It takes a while for Morgan to wake enough to realize what is happening, but once he does, his little bubble of comfort and arousal pops instantly and he freezes in shock. Fuck, this is not a dream at all! He must have shifted position sometime during the night, rolling over to Reid's side of the bed, because he's now spooning Reid, with both arms around his friend’s waist. Fuck! 

His first instinct is to pull away abruptly. But it will be tricky to pull his arms away, and what if that startles his pretty boy awake? How could he explain their close proximity, and what if Reid notices the telltale pressure against his backside, where Morgan’s cock is feeling extremely comfortable? Better to disentangle himself slowly, he decides, so he won’t wake him. He forces himself to relax and go slow, taking a few deep breaths to ground himself and get rid of some of the tension. 

Then, suddenly, Reid utters a tiny moan and moves in his arms and Morgan tenses again. Hardly daring to breathe, Morgan feels as though his heart will beat through his chest any second. When it becomes clear that the younger man is not awake, he carefully loosens his grip on Reid and disentangles himself from him, sliding away to the very edge of the bed to put space between them. 

Fear has his stomach lurching uncomfortably, and his conscience reprimands him sharply for what he just did in his sleep. The thought of what could have happened if Reid had woken up to it terrifies Morgan. It would have surely cost him their friendship. It was nothing more than pure damn luck that saved him from losing his best friend just now!

And so he lies there, silently berating himself and feeling sick at the thought that Reid, waking up to Morgan touching him like that, would have probably felt just as disoriented and terrified as Morgan himself had felt waking up to find Buford grinding into him from behind. God, his poor pretty boy!

A long time passes before the need for sleep dims Morgan’s panic enough to allow him to acknowledge that what just happened was not an assault, that Morgan is not a monster like Buford was. This was an accident, nothing more. As long as it never happens again, this is something Morgan can forgive himself. 

But it feels cold and lonely lying there at the edge of the bed, and Morgan cannot help but longingly remember the perfect warmth of Reid nestled against him. Reid seems to miss their shared warmth, too. As soon as Morgan settled himself at the edge of the bed, Reid made a soft disapproving noise and started tossing and turning as if in search of Derek’s body. 

For a few moments, just before he drifts into fitful sleep, he imagines Reid scooting over to cuddle with him, but the younger agent settles back into a deep, peaceful sleep instead. 

***

The next morning, Reid awakes surprisingly well-rested and feeling strangely comfortable for having spent the night in a hotel bed. 

Sure, he has by now gotten used to spending nights at hotels, but that doesn’t mean he has ever felt comfortable and safe sleeping there. Spending the night at a hotel is a necessary evil, the slightly better and hopefully cleaner alternative to sleeping in an office chair at the police station the current case has them working at. Acceptable, yes. Comfortable, never. 

Add to that his fear of completely humiliating himself by sleep-talking or unconsciously hugging Morgan (or worse!), and Reid had worried whether he’d get any sleep at all. Last night, though, Reid got the best sleep he’s had in months. He feels relaxed, content even, despite the fact that he hasn’t even had his first coffee yet. And he distantly remembers having a nice dream, as well. 

A decidedly pleasurable dream, he realizes as his mind slowly recalls detail after detail. In his dream he was enveloped by warmth, cocooned in feelings of safety and home and belonging. There was hugging in his dream, an embrace that felt right instead of suffocating and intrusive. Reid remembers being puzzled even in his sleep by just how good that closeness felt, so different from the way a hug would otherwise make him feel. And not just the hug felt unexpectedly nice. The other, more sensual touches felt oh, so good, too, and made him yearn for more somehow. Reid tentatively tries to remember who starred as his dream lover. And remembers that there was Morgan’s voice, all warm and sinful in his ear. Morgan's arms around him, his embrace sure and tight. There was… grinding, Reid remembers, and he blushes and aborts that train of thought immediately. 

He carefully leaves the bed without waking Morgan, grabs his go bag and enters the bathroom to ready himself for the day. Memories from his dream pop up unbidden once or twice (or thrice, but really, who’s counting?), but Reid resolutely pushes them to the back of his mind, determined to be the best friend he can be for Morgan. When he exits the bathroom twenty minutes later, Morgan is awake and greets him with a warm, slightly tired smile. 

***

It isn’t until months later, when they find themselves stranded in the middle of nowhere due to a snowstorm, that the one-bed predicament arises again. This time they both act like it's nothing at all, laughing it off while inwardly both of them are simultaneously glad and worried. 

This time, Morgan uses the bathroom first. This time, Reid's pajamas are dark green with tiny black dots. This time, they actually watch some tv and talk a little in bed before turning off the lights, share a laugh and fall asleep with smiles on their faces. And when Morgan awakes hours later, he is the one being spooned. 

It's definitely not a feeling he is used to, and he is genuinely surprised to find that it feels in no way uncomfortable. Since the last failed attempt at spending a night sleeping next to one of his lovers, Morgan has spent the last year consciously avoiding this kind of situation, especially with male sex partners. 

He had by now kind of resigned himself to a life without such intimacy, convinced that any further attempts would only cause more flashbacks to the worst experience of his life. The experience of slowly regaining consciousness in unfamiliar surroundings and unwanted company. Of clumsily trying and failing to escape Buford’s unwanted touches. Of Buford grinding into him from behind, groping and hurting and poisoning Morgan’s mind and body with words and deeds. 

So Morgan still struggles to reconcile his strong desire for the intimacy of waking up next to a lover with the scars Buford’s actions left inside his soul. Such closeness still feels dangerous somehow, and the very thought tends to make him intensely uncomfortable. 

Waking up to the feeling of being spooned by Reid does not feel wrong or threatening at all, though. On the contrary: the way Reid is hugging him close, his arm slung over Morgan's side and his breath just behind his ear, his erection warm and solid against Morgan's back - all that feels kind of fantastic. 

And being the small spoon, Morgan can simply relax and enjoy the sensations. He doesn't have to worry about being caught at something. If Reid wakes up, he'll be too busy agonizing over the fact that he's spooning Morgan to notice that the other man is awake. That way, Reid won't ponder the implications of the fact that Morgan made no move to disentangle himself. 

Just when Morgan has convinced himself that he can simply enjoy Reid's closeness until his friend moves away in his sleep or wakes up, another thought pops up. What if Reid wakes up and freaks out? What if he gets all embarrassed and decides to never share a bed or a room with him again? What if this harms their friendship, ends it even? It would be just like Reid to overreact and blame himself. 

Sighing softly, he carefully takes hold of Reid's arm circling his waist and loosens his friend's grip so that he can slide out of his embrace to the very edge of the bed. Before he lets go of Reid's hand, he brushes his lips over the slender fingers, a featherlight kiss that he just cannot forbid himself. 

In the morning, Reid apologizes profusely for hogging both the blankets and the middle of the bed. From the way he nervously tip-toes around the topic all day, Morgan gathers that his pretty boy fears he might have done something embarrassing in his sleep, like talk or thrash wildly. He seems relieved yet slightly disbelieving when Morgan tells him repeatedly that it's no big deal and nothing bad happened to interfere with Morgan's sleep. Seeing how much he enjoyed Reid's embrace last night, it's definitely not a lie. 

***

It becomes sort of a routine. If a room needs to be shared, everyone just assumes that Reid and Morgan will share it. And on those rare occasions when sharing a bed becomes necessary, it's just logical that they are the ones who do that, too. After all, it's no big deal and they've done it before. The others seem to see it as just another part of their close brotherly relationship, and even Morgan and Reid almost manage to convince themselves that it's just that, nothing more. The doubts that creep in on a regular basis remain unvoiced and are pushed to the backs of their minds. 

***


End file.
